Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in diamond_aurora's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, December 1st, 2009
1:44 am	So us. Bickering...or bantering? Stretching?....or tearing Stagnant....or content? I wish I knew how you really felt I hope I don't know how deeply the feelings run Now and again, snippets. Watching the wedding video with you... I say "Hmm, you squish your face a lot. You were feeling awkward?" (My heart hurts assuming I'm right) You say "No, I was just trying to hold myself back from smiling like a idiot the whole time when we were supposed to be serious and praying and stuff" This makes me feel like....grieving. Grieving for not receiving a love I did not know you were giving. Grief for the effort put in to make my heart settle for a man who loved me, but, I thought, could take or leave me and our life with ease. A man, who, at the alter on our wedding day, during our vows, told me he felt awkward looking at me in the eyes the whole time. To see now, with my own eyes, an excitement- not a passive contentment-......I feel Grief. Before bed, I say "I'm learning that I have a lot of things wrong. That I really don't know what you feel. So I'm just going to tell you what I assume, and it's ok if I'm right, or I'm wrong. " "Ok" "I feel that if your feelings were the colour gradient scale on photoshop, your feelings towards our marriage and me would be at a plus 1 or 2. Not negative 50, but not plus 50. Just one or two. Not really registering." You finally turn to me. You. turn. to. me. You look me in the eyes. You don't look away. This would be enough. You say " You are a thousand on my scale. You are the very top. And our marriage. I am so proud to be married. TO YOU." You are smiling. I am crying. You back out on a promise. Again. I don't retaliate. I don't ignore. I don't get sad. I don't react. You say " You feel distant, but you're not trying to reconnect! You're not trying to make it better! This isn't ok. Do you not love me anymore?" I think, ....yes. This is different. Something switched off. Or on. Dangerous. Tired. So where are we? (Comment on this)
Monday, November 30th, 2009
11:42 pm	And yet, on my own will I fly? or flee? will I grow this great tree, or wither in fear and exhaustion will I simply seek another meal, man, drink to distract from this potential can I find a way in a vast openness? (Comment on this)
11:39 pm	I am not thrashing I have been quietly building strength collecting anger still and more still I become but inside is a deep and dark churning In the beginning, it was a spreading black hole Now the hole fills with a bursting a hugeness a screaming for truth and for potential for great movement and depth And we both know this is my love's soul's swan song That it has fought so hard to fill the void To dampen the fire To box the growth To feed the love We can feel it is finally protecting pulling away at a great expense But, The body has protested It has stopped Just the heart continued Trying...trying And now love has seen outside of this time outside of this love sacrificing this one for the possibility of a next or perhaps, simply, the possibility of life. For this is death. (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 15th, 2009
4:51 am	I couldn't bear to lose them...is that why I couldn't bear to lose you? No fire in the love...making? This feels...devastating...terrifying....freeing. Horrible. Relief. You are there... sleeping sweetly. In your sleep I touch your hand. You take it firmly. I ask, " do you love me?" You are still sleeping, but you smile and rigorously nod. "Yes." What does this mean? Leslee: " Sometimes love is beautiful....even in it's ending." Terrifying...devastating....freeing...horrible....relief. I have dulled all the thinking, and yet, I can't dull this whirling. Not always emotion. More often, none. Just whirling. What a failure. What a great openness. Even in this numbness, I cannot find peace. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, January 28th, 2008
10:39 pm	I am so happy with Caleb. I am so happy for his beautiful full faced smile. I am so happy that he giggles and plays with me. I am so thankful that he loves me for all the ways I'm beautiful, all the ways I'm crazy, and all the ways I'm ugly. In the car the other day. I tell him about a conversation I had with a co-worker the other day. Donald says " You know, I always thought you were cute, but it was different. It was like when you see a really fat girl and you know she could be really beautiful if she lost a bunch of weight. But now you're just plain hot; no strings attached." To Caleb I say " I am sad because Donald was the first person that seemed to be shallow-ly attracted to my body. ( as stupid as that is ). And, when he met me, I had already lost 30 pounds. I was only 15 pounds heavier than I am now." Caleb is quiet for a moment. Driving. " Boys are so stupid. They are completely socially inept. They should just never speak to girls. Ever. " I smile. "You're not socially inept" "I've learned. And I still say lots of stupid things" We cross the high-level bridge. Caleb is thinking. " I just don't understand what anyone could possibly have to say about you that would be negative. Your appearance is...perfect. " "HAH! You have SEEN me. What are you talking about??!!" " What are YOU talking about? How could anyone find anything wrong with you?? You are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen!! Everyone and their dog thinks you are the most attractive person they've met.... You are also the kindest person I've ever met." " Lies. I am not kind to you." " You ARE kind to me. Granted, you show me your whole self and you have many dimensions but that's why I love you. I love you for all of you. ....I just don't understand why anyone wouldn't want to be with you." My darkest secret is my innermost self. I cannot believe that it is anything but ugly. I will remember this conversation. Another thing.... I feel like I am finally hearing God again. Or rather, that I can see him working. I pray this is the beginning of a new era in my faith. AND.... I am two pounds away from my goal!!! ( or 12 pounds away from my LA weight loss goal....) Either way...hurrah!!!!!! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, September 10th, 2007
5:18 pm	I am disappointed. I just need to relieve the knot in my belly and I cannot tell you Always good intentions Always fantastic excuses I am the same way I didn't realize that they still sound like just that - excuses I wish I did not feel this flare of anger You look at me with innocent and motivated eyes My eyes must flash my true feelings, despite my forced smile I do not want to be annoyed I am (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, February 4th, 2007
11:59 pm	I am too many people Each time one emerges I grieve another one as dead Which self fell in love with you and whom did you fall for? Out, You make " My girl" sound sexy you make me feel sexy dancing to your voice in my ear the crowd brings year 1 girlfriend to life but I feel intimate and alone with you At home, I cannot reach you your eyes are full of fear I lean in to love you but I cannot reach you home is where you are safe alone with me me and your gadgets but life-filled, free of fear girlfriend does not live at home young, desperate wife thrives there I am too many people and I am the wrong person in the wrong place at the wrong time (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 9th, 2007
10:27 pm	Sick from hunger Sick when I eat I hate food I hate these nights lonely and anxious I feel trapped the night comes so soon but I can't fall asleep till the wee hours of the morning these winters make me crazy trapped without my voice trapped in this huge body everything is spiralling messy house messy life messy self when did my life become hinged on how clean my house is how big or small my body is how much money I have my stomach hurts always these headaches come like clockwork I am so tired but I don't know how to rest I do nothing but veg in front of the tv I am anxious; more tired where is safe? what is this feeling? guilt? failure? I need to leave I need light (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, January 7th, 2007
1:19 am	I am watching a movie at the farm I have pushed him out of my mind Caleb is holding my hand and my belly is warm There is a stabbing in the film My body reels I see his blood his fear I can't breathe I don't want to show anyone this violent break in me I am digging my nails into my hand Your bleeding your bleeding alone .....Your Blood I love that Blood My head is throbbing I can barely see Your eyes are so full of fear You have been ripped from safety Your heart Your beautiful heart ....playing "Personal Preference" with my two best friends, ex-boyfriend, fiancee and you. You are the only one who guesses me right every time, and you, the only one I get right. You are the only one who truly knows me, because we are half each other. I know you better than anyone else in my life.... I was not there you were alone bleeding our blood I do not see the rest of the movie I struggle to see anything but you The family goes to bed I weep until I sleep I was not there (Comment on this)
12:58 am	I have never really grieved before My broken heart was my only true glimpse other than childhood grief of Morfar this is different This supercedes my conscious It is inaccessable I know I am grieving because my tears come in unannounced floods interupting films conversations trips to the supermarket good books showers.... dying my hair red... I'm rinsing it out and I open my eyes. The shower is small and glass and my hair has streaked red on all the sides. I'm hit by a wave a nausea. Hand on the glass I put my head down..the dye has pooled at the bottom..... earlier, you showed me pictures of your house, post-attack. I was grateful and honoured to be let in...now in my shower, all I can see is your bloody hand print smeared on your kitchen wall...bloody with your blood...our blood "Nobody makes me bleed my own blood" That's what you'd say here Before all this, you called me drunk one night She had hurt you I was ecstatic that you'd come to me your voice sounded almost like it did when I comforted you as a child your crying is embeded in my memory I did not protect you this time I did not comfort you you are not crying And, really, I lost nothing... tangible... Just your safety your innocence your invinciblity a piece of what makes you...you So that is what I mourn in deep inconsolable waves .....Your heart (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 4th, 2007
4:46 am	Completely incoherent random thoughts in the early early morning It's 3 am. A rare night that you have fallen asleep before me I stayed up hours after you, reading this book you hate I watch you sleeping; your eyes are puffy and red you played video games tonight until your eyes teared in protest My eyes too are red "Kristel, both our eyes are watering. But mine is cause I'm nerdy and your's is because your book is bad" This novel, about a women and her mid-life crises, stirred up strangely potent feelings in me. I know they make you nervous; they should. I think about our future as I finish the book. We are so young. What a huge decision we have made with such little understanding of life to support us. I cannot fathom that someday I will have more years with you than without. That I will know my life with you better than I will know the one before you. We are only babies now. But you have such a heart. It is my greatest mystery. You are sincerity. I can't understand it. Where did I learn that in all things, in all words, there is an aspect of manipulation? - whether intentional or not?- I cannot understand your straightforwardness. Your uncalculated honesty. Your simple heart You love me. You will grow old with me. This is what you know. People change. I am complex. I am unpredictable. We are different. I rarely understand myself. It's hard for me to not try to manipulate situations; to manipulate your heart. I am often overwhelmed with fear, without knowing why. This is what I know. I curl in beside you and try to go to sleep. You pull me into you, dreaming. I am washed with emotion; you are holding me without knowing I am aware of it No obligation You are sincere Tomorrow I will spend more time noticing your eyes when they look at me Taking all your kisses not just the ones I'm waiting for You are still tall haired shy loud laughed crazy in love voice like butter friend of Elly's I am still curly blond haired full of laughter full of hope and light full in myself coy learning to love friend of Elly's We are still in the beginning of our life together. We are still falling in love. Tonight I dream of having a migrane at work. You are always by my side;holding my hand in that 'prominading style' you do. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 31st, 2006
11:15 pm	Tears, Snot, and True Love I think I fell in love with you last night (what joy!) In tears I am breaking;I don't know why I can't get enough air whether from your tight embrace or my panic ridden body My consciousness spirals I know the routine but, strange, the dizzying slows In a moment outside of time My id pulls back and looks around Myself and my id are suddenly overwhelmed by a calm knowledge a sureness of which I have never felt In the midst of the earthquake -nothing stable, nothing sure, no place to rest my heart- this knowing anchors me I love him I love him I'm confused as to why this revelation has come to me now I had not doubted this I thought it a fact I pronounced it, or rather, my promise of it in front of most of whom I have ever loved and from whom I have learned to love I have long known you were my favorite My most beloved I have long committed to sharing with you my finances and my bed But I felt like a child A child's love "Do you love him?" our marriage counselor asked me once in private The earth shattered part of my heart quivered -nothing is stable, nothing is sure, no place to rest my heart- "What if I don't TRULY love him? What,really,constitutes REAL love, if it does indeed exist? What if none of this is real? I have examined my heart, but my heart is full of contradictions. It's solution is beyond my understanding." I have rested in my illusion of love for you, supported by my decision to act out of love to you (I know that this is largely necessary in inspiring the act of, and creating longevity in marriage) Here, however, in the most unlikely of times something has snapped, beautifully, inside of me Perhaps as the floodgates of my sorrow released so did a greater knowledge of myself and my heart Or perhaps it was an act of God's timely grace Time remains stopped My mind begins to spin again but slowly and with this revelation I love him I love him I love you....I love you.... "I love you" A wash of calm A little louder "I love you" I put my mind's feet down upon this truth The ground is steady Firm Again and again I repeat this joy I know he is confused -"It's o.k. baby. I know you love me. Don't worry about that now; just know that I love you." He holds me as always I'm aware now that he's rocking me gently I'm lightheaded with freedom I love him (what joy!) (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 26th, 2006
12:43 am	I like Cinder's huge paws. As I sit in achy uncertainty- too tired to think straight, but too anxious to sleep - I take a moment to watch Cinder paw at an abandoned plastic bag As a cat, he struggles. He is not graceful He is not quick He is not athletic But he has huge paws Thick and strong In this strange instant, they ease me (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 30th, 2006
12:27 am	A secret part of me fairs better when you're alone I cease to be an ex-girlfriend and remain a fond lost love A memory of a time when you were not lonely A euphamized ideal A new girl excites your prospect list. "She's electric. She's so full of life that is just pours out of her. She's brilliant and I love talking to her. We get along so well; I'm already comfortable being silent with her. She has such a beautiful smile." This could be how you once described me. It was how he once described me. Sometimes still does. But I see his fatigue. Even in his mother now. My brain runs people in tired circles. Will you show me someday, Lord, why you gave me this mind? Such eccentricity cannot be without purpose... Soon Lord, please. My life aches with the loves I lose because of it. Current Mood: crazy (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 2nd, 2006
12:22 am	I was finally me. I know he's looking at me while I lean down to take a bite A deeply buried part of me glows under his gaze My head is still down "You look good Kristel. You seem...really really ...happy." I glance up. Blue eyes ungaurded in a way I forgot was possible. Compassion. Sincerity. I literally feel my heart swell. I think of my Love and remember... ....laughing when I'm trying to be annoyed at his crazy antics; he nuzzles me until I give in to a kiss on the cheek. With a strength that always wooes and calms me he picks me and whirls me around. On the way by I catch a glimpse of my face in the mirror; I'm shocked to see a beautiful woman; Beautiful in her joy; Radiant; In love.... ....living, working, and singing together are not enough. I wake up to him in the morning and still revel at the feel of his skin and his full faced smile even before he's awake enough to register his surroundings; I hear him sing along to The Darkness and Sting everyday from the livingroom, but still strain in choir to catch a glimpse of his God-given voice; My heart both skips and settles a little when I glance up to see him coming back into the restaurant's kitchen; Bi-weekly one hour drives to the farm are always too short for all the things we want to talk about; One day away and my heart aches to hear him laugh.... I look back down at my food Realizing the gravity of his words I repeat them back with full force "I am really really....happy. Really happy." Part of me wants him to know. I want him to watch me laugh and cry without fear. I want him to feel our simultainious individuality and seamlessness. I want him to understand the fullness of this mended heart. But those parts are mine. His and mine. Instead I lower my head again with a smile and ponder them in my heart. I forget to be confident and gaurded I remember that when you laugh hard you slap your knee and your eyes become anime-esque half moons I remember that you need my affirmation the most when you won't admit it I remember that you think I'm beautiful and aren't too sly in stealing looks at me I remember how to be fun and healed Free and loved I remember that there were reasons for me to love you I remember that I really did "You know what my favorite thing is? Telling him when I'm annoyed. If he's doing something that bothers me...I tell him. And then he usually does it more and louder and makes me laugh and then it's over. It doesn't have to be a big thing" "I agree. I learned that if I was upset it was best just to admit it. To not say everything was o.k. and then punish my partner anyway with an upgraded, more brutal form of the silent treatment. I learned that that's pretty much the most asshole like thing a guy can do. I learned that from ruining my relationship with you." Another peice of my heart settles itself in its place and one more peice of armour is removed. Standing in your doorway laughing. My heart beats one-third with nostalgia, two-thirds with relief and joy. My God is an awesome God. My Love is a graceous healing Love. I am a beautiful woman with gifts. My Heart is like a Singing Bird... Current Mood: full (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 30th, 2005
9:52 pm	I believe you will always be painful Here we are again. Hands shaking as I open your message. She's left you, has she? How am I to feel? The woman you essentially left me for, has broken your heart. Sympathy. Gratitude at your kind, though much overdue, words of compassion and understanding. Fear, I don't want to respond. You have the ability to leap all of my boundaries in a single leap. I am defenseless against you. The first time, you feel my fear, you nearly hear my tears, and respond with unexpected compassion. I hate and fear that you know me so well. The power you still have infuriates me. Now, this regular heart pouring weakens my heart's resolve. It tires me. I'm still terrified. Still walking on cracked glass. My heart still bleeds , out of habit, when you come near. The knife remains there. It takes no thrust to wound me. Your very existence reminds me of its fatal presence. He feels second to you, you know. And he says it so nonchalantly; like it's o.k. I weep at the injustice of it. It's because only you can force me to drop the act; only you can make me shake at a single glance.... my puppeteer But it's not because any dark part of me loves you now, or perhaps ever truly did, but because my heart was young and yet unformed, and it was you that both molded and shattered it. Were I to successfully put it back together , it would still be in the shape you created. If I open this door I could finally, with your help, remove this thorn and finally begin the healing. But I risk the unriskable; that you might see my heart beating here before you ,and out of fear, or malice, or habit, turn the blade to widen the wound. And I couldn't do that to him. Not after how hard he's worked. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, August 11th, 2005
11:46 pm	I am full of old wounds here. Where do I find freedom? Even my voice is overwhelmed. None of me desires to ever ineract, think, remember, or hear of you ever again. And for once, this is not out of passion. I just don't know what to do with all this nostalgia, pain, ackwardness, pretension, and new love on either side. I want you out forever. I miss nothing of you. I don't know you. And none of me loves you on any level, platonic or otherwise. How do I rid myself of your stain? (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 16th, 2005
4:25 pm	Just a little bit of history repeating.... (Colour Coding! Rob will always be red, C feels like he should be blue) " I think I want to marry you..." " I want to be with you forever" " I think I'm in love with you" " You fit" " You're everything I've ever wanted" " You're my favorite"  Flashback..... "I'm going to marry you Kristel" "You're my favorite" "You're perfect for me. You're my dream girl" "I'm falling in love with you" "I don't ever.....ever want this to end" These words are sweet my dear, but I've heard them before. My heart, nevertheless, clings to them despite my head's warnings. Be careful you. Be damn careful. I don't want to fall from glory again. I wish you could see me for all my faults right now.  It's a long way down from this pedistal and I know from the experience that the fall breaks me far too much. I know you have the best of intentions, but so did he. Be careful. Current Mood: complacent Current Music: precussion practice next door (10 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 26th, 2005
4:42 pm	I love Estrogen. It is definitely not fair that I start going insane a full two weeks before my period begins. It is definitely not right, that I rejoice when my period comes, because its beginning means the end of my pms. ( it also verifies, that yes, I have indeed been experiencing pre-menstrual syndrom, and I'm not just psycho and completely emotionally unstable.) I was doing sooo good this year, with almost no super debilitating periods. Blah. Definitely took a tranquilizer to stop the pms induced panic attacks/weeping. Definitely went to school and Mads fairly high on it. Woot. ps. "My bass feels sea-worthy...." " ..Ahh! My most of me!" Current Mood: Wanting to Bleed Current Music: Barber Shop Quartet (26 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 11th, 2005
7:42 pm	Things about you/ that you've done that have blown my mind: 1.Being completely fine and totally not in need of babysitting/not being at all angry whenever I bring you into situations where I'm the only person you know/totally uncomfortable situations for you or anyone. My favorites being: going out for lunch with me and three other guys you knew I had feelings for, one of whom I was on a "date" with and then offering to drive me to Camrose to see Joel. -going to Camrose and meeting Amy and family, Sara and re-meeting Joel, 20 Bible School friends and 3 random Camrose friends in the space of two hours. -making cinnamon buns with me and Steve/Mike ( guy on "date"), Amy W. and other random man I could be in love with in three seconds. -going to a bar, which you hate, and allowing me and actually genuinely encouraging me to abandon you( I'll feel worse if you stay here and try to entertain me. I can entertain myself.) and go dance with a multitude of other flirty men, a few of whom came to my house with me ( and you) and shamelessly offered me sex. -coming to Denny's on a last minute invite to sit and listen to me, Audrey and Lindsey talk about highly sketchy girl stuff that even sketched me out and then going to Jer's, whom you'd never met, and then letting me force you to sing for everyone while I melt. 2.ACTUALLY, SERIOUSLY, enjoying listening to my stories. Even though ALMOST ALL of them have to do with Rob. ("Kristel, I just want to know about you. I don't understand why I WOULDN'T want to hear about Rob. He's a huge part of your life and a huge part of who you are. Pretty much the whole time who've been 'self-realized'/an adult, you've been with him. How can you possibly expect to just shut that part out of your life? PLEASE talk about him. I actually seriously like hearing about it. I don't understand why it would be a problem. I'm not just trying to woo you Kristel; I really like it. I'll tell you if it hurts me.") 3. These randoms bits of extreme perception and wisdom that you whip out whenever I actually let you talk. 4. How much you ACTUALLY care and ACTUALLY take what I say to heart. That you're so petrified of hurting me/feel my emotions, pain, fear, hurt, body-hate so strongly it makes you tear most times we have an intense talk. YOU cry about me hating my body. 5.How incredible your voice really is. It actually has a physical effect on my body. 6.How freeking good you are at kissing. Let it be said, I actually can't remember what it was like to kiss Rob anymore!( I remember, after Eric, Carol telling me there would come a point where I wouldn't even be able to remember his kiss. I'm happy that's finally happened with Rob!) Not only that, I would go so far as to say, that you are even more gentle and loving. 7.How crazy patient you are. Even after all this, you still give me the freedom to leave. (" Kristel, I want you to know that it's o.k. to feel confused. It's o.k. to feel differently tomorrow. It's o.k. if you never want this to happen again. I would yo-yo with you for eight more months if it meant I got one day like this with you. Really. You just make me so happy. I wish I could make you as happy as you make me....AHH! Don't cry! It's o.k. It's o.k. Just feel whatever you feel. Please. It's o.k......") Nonetheless, I am so finicky! So shallow? I feel like there are two of you. One, I cannot stay away from, one I run screaming from. How can I ask you, when you are sooooooo open and accepting and ask NOTHING of me, to change or supress part of who you are to appease my....my what? My heart? My mind? Today is a week I think. Wow, that's double the usual routine. I think I actually want this. I wish I could stop myself from closing up all the time.... Current Mood: confused Current Music: Gianni Schichii (5 Comments |Comment on this)